"I get laid off about three times every year."

It's been a while since I've blogged, but there's been a lot going on. For one, I got a new job, which is incredible news! I have been there about a week and a half and so far so good. I know where the coffee is, where the bathroom is and have figured out how to get in and out of the door without locking myself out of the building. All in all, I'd say I'm really starting to figure it out.

Now that I am a full time employee and contributing member of society, I no longer am required to fill in my weekly unemployment certifications on Sunday, waiting patiently for my direct deposit on Tuesday of the following week. I even called today to alert them of my good news and bid them a fond farewell, hoping to never need their services again.

But, at the beginning of this month, I was just one of the many weekly certifiers. And, on one typical Sunday in a went to the system to declare 1) No I didn't do any work 2) No I didn't get any money 3) No I didn't turn down any work 4) And, yes I was available for work. On this particular week, however, we had a few bonus questions. One of those asked if I was self employed, to which I answered yes because I had done some contract/freelance work. I figured I did some work, but I'm not an employee of a company so that mus mean I'm self-employed. The answer is, no I am not and was not self-employed. That answer indication was really just a big red flag telling somebody at the unemployment to not pay this lady trying to steal money from the government. The problem, however, was here I am unemployed, answered my questions, waiting patiently for my money and I ain't getting anything. I tried calling, A LOT, and after four days of trying from 8 am when the phone lines opened until 5 or so when the phone lines closed and not getting through I realized I was going to have to take matters into my own hands. That's right. I was going to have to physically go to the unemployment office.

So, off I go. Now let me paint this picture for you. I decide, at the recommendation of my friend, to go to the one in Cary since it was less busy. I'm cruising down the road in Cary, all is well. Everything looks like Cary. And then I take a turn to the left. With that one turn I was in a different city, different state, maybe even a different country. I was now in Tijuana, Mexico. Officially, but with a lo of Chinese restaurants around me. I park the car among some half blue, half red vans, vehicles missing a door here and there and between 18 potholes. After feeling like the car was relatively safe between the Chinese restaurant and laundry mat, off I went into the land of unemployment.

First thing I saw was all the posters from my high school guidance office. I sort of chuckled inside a little thinking I should finally become an underwater welder. When I opened the door, I see the infamous line about 10 deep. I figure I have nothing else to do since I have no job and had no prospect of a job so I just hopped in line. All around me are people really trying hard to secure employment. They are sporting their business suits from the 80s, shoulder pads and all, navy tights and those kinda square-toed heels. There are people taking the online tests to determine their next career path. People are coming in with paperwork and resumes. The employee are disgustingly busy. And, there I stand, texting on my pink phone from Sprint. I felt terrible. At first I felt like, "I don't belong here" and then I realized, "Yes I do." Anybody can belong here. Anybody can lose their job. I'm sure these people didn't think they'd be here one day, economy in the toilet, searching any job they can get their hands on. But, here we all were. One big, happy, unemployed family.

I was two away from the counter when the one lady went to lunch. My luck has pretty much gone that way lately. This one guy had been up there FOREVER and I finally catch on to the fact that he is not even unemployed, yet he's trying to collect benefits. At this point, I am done with him and need him to return to his workplace, no matter how fewer hours he is receiving. And, as I'm trying to eavesdrop, this person walks in, bringing with him the worst odor you've ever smelled. I tried to scoot up in line to avoid the smell that was wafting from him with no avail. The more he moved, the more I smelled and then I started having gag reflexes. I know you're going to say it sounds harsh, but I mean this is why this person is not employed. He may be a very great employee, but this body appearance and smell is not going to keep an employer, nor the public, happy for long. I'm going back and forth between feeling terrible for thinking about the smell and wanting so badly to run to wanting so badly to help this person by cluing them in. Luckily for all involved, I was called up to the counter.

I tell my problem. We get it fixed. The man thinks I'm a moron and I begin correcting my answer choices. While I'm completing my papers, here comes smelly man right up next to me. Again. I quickly finish and off I go, but not before hearing him say, "I get laid off about three times every year." I didn't really know what to say so I said good luck and out I went to retrieve my vehicle from between the Chinese restaurant and the laundry mat. The next day I had a job offer and realized how very blessed and lucky I am.

My trip to unemployment was sobering. There are so many people out there who have not just been dealing with this for a few weeks and months, but rather years. They want jobs and can't find them. I hope each and every one of them is as lucky as I was, but unfortunately I know they won't be. And as quickly as I've gone back to the routine of wishing for the weekend already on Monday, each time I remember how lucky I am to have a job to go to, shoulder pad business suit or not.

H for Heidi!

When Heidi 3.0 hit the streets early this year (or was it last year?) I contemplated giving you all my thoughts on her new face, ears, neck, eyebrows, arms, legs, hands, stomach, boobs, feet, ankles, tongue and other new plastic parts. But, really what was there to say. It's crazy. Even Spencer, King of the Underworld, didn't seem too impressed. She seriously looks like a plastic person. One that was melted and when it dried, it just didn't come out as expected. I hope they broke the mold. Personally, I did like Heidi 2.0 best. And, living in LA I can imagine she felt the pressure to be the blonde bombshell. But, Heidi 2.0 was a bombshell. Heidi 3.0 is a bomb, ready to explode if she gets too close to heat or high pressure. Let's home El Nino and/or La Nina don't cause severe heat this summer.

Before and after photo courtesy of Zap2It.

The craziest part, as if there could only be one crazy, is she is contemplating MORE plastic surgery. She doesn't feel finished. One might ask, what else could she possibly manipulate, mangle and reshape? The answer, my friends. Her breasts. She actually said she wants to be a size H for Heidi! How fabulous. That is clearly the best logic I've ever heard. We should all get breast sizes to match the letter of our name. What a GREAT idea! Now I know why she gets paid the big buck. (Sadly, she probably makes more money in one episode of The Hills than I do in a year.) The power of entertainment.

Well, recently, Heidi has fired her agent (the one and only Spencer Pratt) and hired her her psychic who she refers to as a "intuitive psychic, a healer." I wonder if he saw this coming and knew she was going to hire him? I'm sure since he's so intuitive, this was all foreseen in the Tarot cards of entertainment representation. He is apparently going to guide her life and career through life and love. (I just threw up in my mouth a little.) But, of course this makes sense because he can communicate with dead celebrities. Maybe Corey Haim is guiding the new psychic on behalf of Heidi. How great would that be?

But, maybe the healer extraordinaire know what's up. She is reported to be staring in a feature comedy alongside Jennifer Aniston, Nicole Kidman, and Adam Sandler. She's playing herself, although I'm not sure which self, so hopefully it won't be too much of a role stretch for her. As much as I hate to admit this, I will of course go see the movie, mainly because Heidi is in it. I'm such an entertainment idiot.

Heidi 2.0, managed my Spencer is out. Heidi 3.0, managed by the intuitive healer psychic is in. I can't wait to see the sequel.

Verdict's In...It's just...ok

After a long time of no movie review, I'm back. Sorry for the delay, but I will be sure to have my movie watching eyes on and my review fingers ready from now on.

Saturday night, I snuggled in with sushi from Harris Teeter and a movie from the Red Box. With nothing out I really wanted to see, I decided on Beyond a Reasonable Doubt (which is apparently a remake of a 1956 flick), mainly because it had Michael Douglas in it and I figured, "Hey, how bad can it be?"

Sushi eaten, blanket on and movie in. Twenty minutes later, I was asleep.

So, Sunday morning I try again with success. Now, the movie is not bad. It's your typical, not too dramatic, but thriller nonetheless, with the obvious twist you see coming, followed by the twist you don't see coming until you see it and then you kinda knew it was coming. The main character is good looking which helps...a lot. The main girl character is not so terrible, although a little too know it all for me. And, Michael Douglas, I figure took the role because he figured he could do a new movie, get a paycheck and only learn about 6 lines.

It's about legal matters, which I like. The loop holes of the judicial system, wrapped in legal corruption. You root for the main guy. But again, it's all a little too predictable. But, for a rainy Sunday afternoon or mindless weekend night, it's worth watching.

Yahoo! users give it a C+. I tend to agree. It ain't bad, but it ain't good either.

Two pops, with a Kit Kat.

P-I-M-P Chimp

I haven't blogged here lately (not that anybody cares too terribly much), but nonetheless, I figured I better hop back on the blog train. Choo-Choo.

Entertainment news has been kinda slow lately. The Bachelor picked Vienna, which I guess was a huge deal, but I didn't really watch that show so I couldn't really say one way or the other. I do have to agree with one blogger who said she looked like Hayley Duff. That is 100% correct.

Rumor is Elin is moving back in the Tiger. And, Marie Osmounds son jumped to his death, which was pretty newsy when that happened earlier in the week.

But, overall, I'm feeling like things are slow. But, I did see this article about this straight-up pimpin' chimp in Moscow who has been sent to rehab. Apparently, his addiction to booze and cigarettes was really taking over his life and causing him to beg to zoo visitors for beer and/or cigarettes. In addition, this pimpin' chimp went to another zoo and fathered several baby chimps. This may have been a really good thing and the intended fate when the chimp was moved, but I prefer to think of this drunk chimp, knocking up female chimps and then having a cigarette. That's just awesome to me.

So, the drunk, cigarette-smoking, baby-making chimp is now in rehab to curb "his vice." Maybe next time he'll emerge with an eating disorder and porn addiction. That would be pretty cool, too.