I didn't make the rules, I just follow them

In Mrs. Crosier's 6th and 8th grade English classes, we had to diagram a sentence every night. Now, to be honest, I thought this was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard. Grammar was not something I thought I needed to know and it surely wasn't something I waned to know. As far as I could tell I was fine with some subject verb agreement. Other than that, it was never going to impact my life or my career.

Fast forward to college and I, the one who didn't care about grammar, majored in journalism. I had to pass a spelling and grammar test just to get my piece of paper indicating my high degree of knowledge. And, it was hard. At this point in my life I knew and respected the benefits of effective communication, but it wasn't that big of a deal. But let me tell you. It is now a very big deal. As in, I talk about it with Allison about 2 hours of each day. I don't always get the rules right (in fact, I can't remember some of them), but seriously people, can we please use try to follow the rules of the English language? Even if we didn't write the rules, we can surely follow, right?

Offenses I cannot tolerate.

1) I know it's a digital era. I too say "u" for "you" in the occasional text. But in an email, that you are typing from computer SPELL OUT WORDS! I don't want an email from you that says, "U r 2 gud @ bng l8." When what you want to say is "You are too good at being late." When you email with that nonsense you look stupid. Or 13. Use letters. Use words. It's okay, really.

2) An ellipsis is fun, sure. Who doesn't love a ... However, a ellipsis is not a period. I don't really know when you should use this thing and when you shouldn't, but what I know is that it does not believe at the end of a sentence to serve as the indication of "my thought is now finished." And, moreover, do not use this punctuation symbol for the end of every sentence. My name is Ann...I live in Raleigh...I work in marketing...I have two cats... I can't begin to say how annoying that is and how incorrect. I mean, do you realize you just spent more time to put a lot of extra periods in when you could have stopped with one and actually been correct? Knock it off people.

3) Capitalization. You can't just make a letter capital because you want to. I have Cats. Nope. I don't. I have cats. Why a capital C? If it's not a name or being used as a title probably just don't cap it. Lowercase letters need love too. However, I must say that if it should be capital, make it so.

4) Oh the comma. Again, I don't really know the rules, but I know that we don't need them every other word. It's not like, "Hmmm, I'm not sure if we need a comma here so I better put one in for good measure." No, just go look it up. Or, ask someone who know. And, if you don't know, you can probably leave it out and nothing will be hurt. Too many commas makes it hard to read, is wrong and again, makes you look stupid. Remove your right hand middle finger and type away from the comma.

5) A little trickier, but match your subject with your verb. When you have a subject followed by a prepositional phrase it can be tricky I know, especially if the subject is singular and the object of the preposition is plural. You get all confused you don't know what to do. Here's what you do. Do what Mrs. Crosier taught you and find your sentence subject and match your verb to it!

6) Plurals need an s. 5th and 6th periodS. We are talking about two periods, both the 5th and 6th ones. SisterS in law. We are talking two sisters, not two laws.

I don't know many of the rules, but at least I know enough to ask Allison when I'm not sure. It's a sore subject can you tell? Grammar and punctuation rules can be your friend. The aren't here to harm you. Invite them in your life, let them stay a while and soon they be like tarot cards telling you exactly what to do and when. Whew, I feel better.

One last thing. Thank you Mrs. Crosier, who is never going to see this. Diagramming a sentence is fun and very necessary. Thank you for making me do it for two years, every night. As a random side note, prepositional phrases were always my favorite. And, to be honest, they really still are.

The storm has passed...

I had intended to post my follow up last night after I had my fun procedures done, but I was drugged enough for a family of five so I was unable to do much except sleep and make an idiot of myself. Details to follow.

I arrived promptly at 9:30 am, no make up on per their request. Coupled with my be head (although it was clean) and my frowny face I must have looked like a super eager beaver. The first nurse (one of two that I remember) came to take me back and get me all ready. I asked her, had to be, no less than about 200 questions ranging from "Have you had this done?" to "Do you think I could die?" (Yes, I asked the nurse if I could die from a colonoscopy.) Finally after putting on my robe thing and forcing myself not to leave she finally got an IV hooked up in my hand. At this point, I'm obnoxious. I tell her that my hand hurts, could she move the IV, I'm not sure she took the needle out, I still feel normal, etc. She quickly passed me off to another nurse.

Enter nurse #2. I ask her to promise me she won't let me die because I can't imagine a worse way to go. She promises. I ask a bunch of other ridiculous questions and start talking nonsense just to make my nervousness go away. You know that "Hey, I bet you see some really crazy people in here?" conversation starters when really I know she's thinking, "Yeah crazy people like you lady." Dr. Upper Endoscopy (forgot his name) is going to do his part first. Five minutes they say. Then twenty for the colonoscopy and I'm done. They wheel me in his room and it's just me and the nurse. Before she gives me the drugs I say, "I mean you're going to wait till I'm out of it to do this stuff, right? Cause right now I know what's going on and I don't want to have this done right now." Again, she assures me I'm fine. I see the doc, he gives the green light to give me the "fall asleep" meds, which apparently have pain killers, amnesia producing agents, relaxants, fall asleep stuff and all this other junk to knock you on your ass. (HA! on my ass...no pun intended) I see her put the thing in my IV and remember saying, "Wow that does wo... (rk really fast is what I would have said had I not been out like a corpse.

What I remember after that is essentially non-existent until around 6 pm. I think I was really obnoxious. My mom said I refused any help. Typical. Was back talking people because I "knew" best. Again, typical. And, my favorite, set next steps with the doctor about 8 times. I needed to understand who was to call who, when this call would take place, what information we would have, etc. A good project manager, even knocked out. Nice. On the way home I proceeded to make a call. Lovely. I can only imagine how that one went over. I made it to the couch and was out. So much for my big lunch.

Apparently, I tried to Skype Leslie who is a doctor at work. She declined and started typing to me. This was my response: im home but SO out of it;gotha ''

That's not even edited for effect.

Finally had dinner and then watched The Biggest Loser before passing out again. And, those were the events of colonoscopy/endoscopy day.

The center called today to check on me. I asked the person to please thank the nurses who put up with me. God knows they earned their paycheck yesterday. I await my call from my doc tomorrow on the results, but we do know is my upper endoscopy was perfectly normal. My colonoscopy on the other hand pretty much showed I have some condition, he just doesn't know what. Let's hope it's something that requires me to eat a lot of ranch. That wouldn't be so bad.

For the next ten days I have to avoid all my favorite thing: wine, coffee and fat. So now, here I am, 4 pounds lighter, forced to eat fruits and veggies. This could be the worst part. (Ok, not really. Clearly drinking the salt water was worse.) But for any of those who are wondering, today, I can't tell anything was done. I feel perfectly fine. I don't know how that is possible but it is.

If anybody wants to see pictures of my upper or GI lower tract, let me know. That was my take home prize. I gotta say though, my upper GI is pretty hot. Best looking tract I've ever seen.

May none of you experience this for a long while. But if you have to, it could be worse. You could be the nurse having to put up with me while I am having it done.

And the sh*t storm begins...

Typically I try to keep my blog focused on entertainment news, analyses, movie reviews, celebrity trivia and pretty much what I think about the vast entertainment world we live in. Today, I take a slight wrong turn, but given that it is the entertainment that is my life I think it works.

Today I will arrive at an outpatient surgery center to undergo an endoscopy and colonoscopy. Yes, at the tender age of 28 I will be put under and prodded for what are normal your typical "grandma" procedures. To save some dignity I won't go into detail on the why circumstances of the need for these procedures, but I need some up side to having to have this done. Being able to blog about it, is an upside for me. Makes me feel like a younger Katie Couric (except the cameras will be left outside the room).

Let's recap this process starting Sunday. I was instructed to take two Dulcolax on Sunday night. I had not heard anything about these affecting anyone right away (or at all really) so I think this is going to be smooth sailing. With my last meal for about 48 years eaten, I take the tablets, begin to dread these procedures a little more and head to bed. After reading the paperwork one more time before bed, I see that they want me to mix the solution to drink the morning of the day before. Since it's me I have not filled this prescription and make a mental note to get up first thing to do this.

Monday, 8:00 am. I head to Walgreens to get this thing filled. As I sit and wait to come home with my jug filled with what can only be described as ocean water (oh but it comes with flavor packs--this is supposed to be a selling point I think) the tablets begin to work. I won't go into detail, but this is not good. I'm at Walgreens.

So, I get home, mix my stuff, put it in the frig (the pharmacist tells me to put it in frig so it tastes better although she then tells me she has never tried this stuff) and at this point want nothing more than to go to work. I can't. I'm stuck. Two hours later I'm on the way to work. And this is not one of those "This is awesome. Now I'll only have a 6 hour workday" moments.

On the way, I tell my mom about my morning. But before I recap that conversation let me also say that as part of the prep you can only have a liquid diet the day before. No milk, no coffee creamer. My food options are Jello and broth. Neither of these do I consider a meal. Fast forward to the conversation with my mom. She means well and tries to make this all sound "fun." She tells me "We can make pineapple Jello! It will be so good." No mom, pineapple Jello for dinner is not good. I tell her I used the cherry flavor mix in to which I hit a sore spot and get an ear full. Apparently her insurance company would not pay for a flavor, and she refused to pay $25 to have it added so she was none to pleased with her solution. She asks me to save my extra flavors so she can use it next time. That seems not only weird and super cheap, but like it might not be safe. Regardless, I ask, "When is your next procedure?" (I'm thinking it's this year since she has asked for flavor packets.) Her response, "In about 10 years." I'm speechless. I have been asked to save colonoscopy flavor mix-ins for 10 years.

As if that wasn't enough she tells me she saved her jug. Saved the jug. To water the plants. After I pick my embarrassment off the floor and tell her how crazy this is, I actually think to myself (which I think is the worst part of all of this), "You know, that would make watering my flowers easier. Maybe I'll save my jug." I guess the apple doesn't fall from the tree. And it seems our tree was watered with a jug someone used for their colonoscopy mixture stuff.

Last night at 6, I start drinking this stuff. They say drink an 8 oz glass about every 10-15 minutes, for 2 hours. I don't drink but about 2 glasses of fluid a day so I know this is going to be hard. I start, trying to guzzle when I can, pretending I'm playing beer pong or flip cup, but ocean water with a hint of cherry really is not the same. I start thinking I could add some vodka. It's a clear liquid. I assume, even though it's not on the paper, that this is not recommended and continue to gag this liquid down. I get to the last sip, swallow and it comes back. I am done at this point. They can say what they want because this sip is going into the Wake County water system, not the Ann Panaro digestive system.

It starts working. It's unpleasant, but not as bad as having to drink the Atlantic. I finally fall asleep around 11:30, but still wake up about every 30 minutes for some emergency stops. (No, it is not pretty, but it happens, which is why I've decided to share my journey with you.)

I have to be there at 9:30. I'm still contemplating how I can get out of this. What if I don't wake up? There cannot be a worse way to go. I do know one thing. The first thing I will do is eat. And not pineapple Jello. Losing a few pounds could make this thing worthwhile, but that probably won't happen, given my luck. I mean the luck of having to have this done at 28 is not in your favor.

Long story short: people have to have this done. People of all ages and sizes. And it pretty much sucks so I figured I'd talk about it. It's a little (ok maybe a lot) entertaining. And, around noon when this is behind me (no pun intended) I think I might laugh. Maybe not laugh, but certainly be a little more entertained by this whole thing. At this point, I am less than amused and just a whole lot not looking forward to this morning.

Happy Colonoscopy and Endoscopy Day!

Letters to Juliet...completely worth the read and the watch

After an extended sabbatical from blogging (in particular my movie review), I have decided it's time time a much demanded return. (Not really "demanded," but I have pumped myself up to believe that to be the case.)

Today, for Mother's Day, my mom and I went to see "Letters to Juliet." It was a sneak peak (not scheduled to fully release until May 14) so I feel pretty entertainment savvy in my review. I mean, I'm pretty much ahead of the game and totally in the know. The movie, completely adorable and worth seeing, with your girl friends. Ladies, don't take your man to this movie. It would just be kinda tortuous for them. And, we all know you'd have to pay for it later, in some shape or form. So, grab your closest girl friend(s) and go see this movie. It's a heartwarming story, with of course a happy ending and filled with beautiful scenery.

Let's me paint the scene for you. The main girl character is an aspiring writer, but stuck with doing the grunt work for the newspaper where she works. She and her fiance, the kind of guy we have all dated who has more time for what he's into than for us, go off to Italy for a "pre-wedding honeymoon." Off they go, and then off he goes. She is left alone, in the romantic place on Earth (at least if you ask me). She goes to the Juliet wall, sees a letter a woman wrote 50 years prior detailing her mistake of not meeting her one true love. Sophie writes back, Claire and her grandson show up, and off the three go on a search for the one true love. Along the way, Sophie of course falls in love with the grandson, but the ever-so-absent fiance poses a problem and Sophie leaves Italy without her (what we are led to believe) one true love.

Sophie, simply fabulous. She's sweet, doe-eyed, a true romantic and so adorable. Claire, the woman who wrote the letter Sophie responded to, is stunning, funny and a vulnerable woman searching for her love, but unsure where her path will take her. The grandson brings comedy and humor to this film I didn't expect, nor did I see coming. But it's his comedic presence that puts this movie over the top for me. Starting as a skeptic and ending as a hopeless romantic, he's the guy we all hope to run into on our vacation. Unfortunately, if you're anything like me, you end up being stalked in Hallmark by the 40 year old man who after shopping for 10 minutes said he found what he was looking for because he found his inspiration, which just happened to be me. I never get the great looking, sensitive, smart 30 year old. Oh well, there's always tomorrow.

And, all set in the beautiful Italian countryside, which only makes me realize I need to go there even more than I thought.

It's a great movie. And certainly worth going to see. I plan to see it once it hits theaters, and then probably purchase it to watch in line with The Holiday and Under the Tuscan Sun.

I give it 4 pops, most definitely with a Snicker bar.