And the sh*t storm begins...

Typically I try to keep my blog focused on entertainment news, analyses, movie reviews, celebrity trivia and pretty much what I think about the vast entertainment world we live in. Today, I take a slight wrong turn, but given that it is the entertainment that is my life I think it works.

Today I will arrive at an outpatient surgery center to undergo an endoscopy and colonoscopy. Yes, at the tender age of 28 I will be put under and prodded for what are normal your typical "grandma" procedures. To save some dignity I won't go into detail on the why circumstances of the need for these procedures, but I need some up side to having to have this done. Being able to blog about it, is an upside for me. Makes me feel like a younger Katie Couric (except the cameras will be left outside the room).

Let's recap this process starting Sunday. I was instructed to take two Dulcolax on Sunday night. I had not heard anything about these affecting anyone right away (or at all really) so I think this is going to be smooth sailing. With my last meal for about 48 years eaten, I take the tablets, begin to dread these procedures a little more and head to bed. After reading the paperwork one more time before bed, I see that they want me to mix the solution to drink the morning of the day before. Since it's me I have not filled this prescription and make a mental note to get up first thing to do this.

Monday, 8:00 am. I head to Walgreens to get this thing filled. As I sit and wait to come home with my jug filled with what can only be described as ocean water (oh but it comes with flavor packs--this is supposed to be a selling point I think) the tablets begin to work. I won't go into detail, but this is not good. I'm at Walgreens.

So, I get home, mix my stuff, put it in the frig (the pharmacist tells me to put it in frig so it tastes better although she then tells me she has never tried this stuff) and at this point want nothing more than to go to work. I can't. I'm stuck. Two hours later I'm on the way to work. And this is not one of those "This is awesome. Now I'll only have a 6 hour workday" moments.

On the way, I tell my mom about my morning. But before I recap that conversation let me also say that as part of the prep you can only have a liquid diet the day before. No milk, no coffee creamer. My food options are Jello and broth. Neither of these do I consider a meal. Fast forward to the conversation with my mom. She means well and tries to make this all sound "fun." She tells me "We can make pineapple Jello! It will be so good." No mom, pineapple Jello for dinner is not good. I tell her I used the cherry flavor mix in to which I hit a sore spot and get an ear full. Apparently her insurance company would not pay for a flavor, and she refused to pay $25 to have it added so she was none to pleased with her solution. She asks me to save my extra flavors so she can use it next time. That seems not only weird and super cheap, but like it might not be safe. Regardless, I ask, "When is your next procedure?" (I'm thinking it's this year since she has asked for flavor packets.) Her response, "In about 10 years." I'm speechless. I have been asked to save colonoscopy flavor mix-ins for 10 years.

As if that wasn't enough she tells me she saved her jug. Saved the jug. To water the plants. After I pick my embarrassment off the floor and tell her how crazy this is, I actually think to myself (which I think is the worst part of all of this), "You know, that would make watering my flowers easier. Maybe I'll save my jug." I guess the apple doesn't fall from the tree. And it seems our tree was watered with a jug someone used for their colonoscopy mixture stuff.

Last night at 6, I start drinking this stuff. They say drink an 8 oz glass about every 10-15 minutes, for 2 hours. I don't drink but about 2 glasses of fluid a day so I know this is going to be hard. I start, trying to guzzle when I can, pretending I'm playing beer pong or flip cup, but ocean water with a hint of cherry really is not the same. I start thinking I could add some vodka. It's a clear liquid. I assume, even though it's not on the paper, that this is not recommended and continue to gag this liquid down. I get to the last sip, swallow and it comes back. I am done at this point. They can say what they want because this sip is going into the Wake County water system, not the Ann Panaro digestive system.

It starts working. It's unpleasant, but not as bad as having to drink the Atlantic. I finally fall asleep around 11:30, but still wake up about every 30 minutes for some emergency stops. (No, it is not pretty, but it happens, which is why I've decided to share my journey with you.)

I have to be there at 9:30. I'm still contemplating how I can get out of this. What if I don't wake up? There cannot be a worse way to go. I do know one thing. The first thing I will do is eat. And not pineapple Jello. Losing a few pounds could make this thing worthwhile, but that probably won't happen, given my luck. I mean the luck of having to have this done at 28 is not in your favor.

Long story short: people have to have this done. People of all ages and sizes. And it pretty much sucks so I figured I'd talk about it. It's a little (ok maybe a lot) entertaining. And, around noon when this is behind me (no pun intended) I think I might laugh. Maybe not laugh, but certainly be a little more entertained by this whole thing. At this point, I am less than amused and just a whole lot not looking forward to this morning.

Happy Colonoscopy and Endoscopy Day!