Call me Joan Rivers...minus the face lifts and stuff

After we (ok, Matthew is still working) reorganized and cleaned the office, I had to check my entertainment news to see what was up. Given how cluttered the office was, I'm surprised we didn't find MC Hammer's career buried some where. I mean, we could have thrown him to the Surreal Life for a career resucitation. Hey, it worked for that middle Brady kid. But, alas, we found no celebrities and no washed up careers. Only some beetles that have passed on to the afterlife, empty paper boxes and some of Matthew's really important concepting books, otherwise known as GQ.

Earlier in the week, the 17th to be exact, Los Angeles was host to the 3rd Annual Art of Elysium charity gala. I can't say that word, must less no what it means, but the charity provides an outlet for working actors, artists and musicians to teach artistic workshops for seriously ill children. I think that is great. In attendance at the event were the most rockin of rockin celebrities (and some that I don't know which I think makes them unimportant). Regardless, it was a star-studded event with glamourous events in abundance. And here is I come in. Channeling the inner spirit of Joan Rivers from that show that used to be on E! back in the day, below are the Biggest Losers of the night...fashion-wise of course.

Disclaimer: I don't know fashion. I am not into fashion. And, quite frankly, I have to have help dressing myself most of the time. I like leopard print. I think it looks great and really don't think that clothes can be too tight or low cut. My favorite outfit I ever had was black pants, slit up the slide lined in leopard fur with a key hole cut out underneath the waistband with matching leopard fur. Topped with a black tube top and snakeskin platform shoes, I really thought I was styling and profiling. So, yes, some of these "bad" outfits deemed by Yahoo!, really are not bad to me. In fact, I was taking notes on style until I realized the title was "What were they thinking?" And, here I was, thinking I was on the track to fashion goddess.

First up: Miss Ashley Olsen

Ok, so it ain't great, but it's not THAT bad. It's lacy, it's white-ish. I get that is slightly like a doiley, but it is fitted and shows off her figure nicely. And, although Yahoo! doesn't agree, I think her hair is kinda cool. It's that "I put it back but it works because I have Victorian beauty" look. Yeah, her makeup is pretty washed out and her lipstick is way too dark. But, seriously, Adam Lambert (to be shown next) he was WAY worse.

This is terrible. I shall start at the feet. Those shoes are just stupid. Or are they really his alien feet from his home planet? They are pointy and weird for a dude (at least I think) and they are really shiny. Like my band shoes back in the day, but at least those were black and made me feel like a girl MJ. White shiny=bad. Next point. The pants. White after Labor Day is bad (or at least that's what I was always told when I tried to wear my white jeans out in the winter.) And they are way wrinkled. Dude, you can't go on the white carpet wearing wrinkly white pants. Not cool. Go black. It hides dirt, food, and wrinkles. The jacket. Is the moon reflecting off that thing? I think I just got blinded from staring directly at it. It's fitted nicely, I'll give ya that. You might as well have worn shiny purple. Would have stood out less. And at the end of those shiny sleeves are those gloves. I can't imagine what that was about. MJ started and finished the glove thing and OJ's glove has long since been proven to not be his. You ain't bowling, you ain't working out. You don't need gloves. I'll leave the necklace alone because compared to the rest of the outfit, it doesn't seem all that bad. I guess you wear makeup so that's your thing. The eye-makeup is pretty although I kinda picture it more on Miranda Lambert instead of Adam. I like Adam Lambert personally, but his angel thing back from his home planet ain't working.

Next.

Kanye West. I like fur so I don't think it's too terrible. I mean I'm still trying to find a way to get that Beaver coat I saw, but until Wachovia makes a serious mistake in my deposits that ain't happenin'. But yes, your fur coat makes you upstage Taylor Swift..again. At least this time you didn't have to steal the microphone away. You stole the show all on your own. (Again, I like the coat. Looks soft and warm. Growwlll...)

DON'T HASSEL THE HOFF!

Once again David really doesn't disappoint. Shiny leather pants. (Really, let's call it. They are pleather. Straight up. Baywatch washed up too long ago for the man to afford leather.) And that snazzy read shirt unbuttoned down to his navel...NICE! I think it gathers at the waist too. I'm sure it's to show off his girlish figure. How can we not notice his hair wave and weird, creepy child molester smile? All-in-all, it works together. Apart these items should be burned. Together, they work for a nice chuckle. And to make us not feel so bad for wearing black and leopard pants. Thanks, Hoff.

This is Elly Jackson. It is a female (I know, I didn't know that either). I seriously thought this was Clay Aiken. I was confused as to what Clay had done, seriously questioning my Clay-mate status. But, alas, Clay is safe from this disaster. Not from booking a hotel room and apparently sleeping with some dude in Fort Bragg, but from wearing this thing...yes. It's kinda elf-like in nature. But the hair is more like that of someone that doesn't live on a planet that experiences gravity. And, hey, the shimmeriness of the jacket-thing may indeed be a power source from another planet. Maybe, this is the dress of the future? I like (ok LOVE) sparkly stuff. But, this. I don't even know if I could pull this off. Hell, I don't think Heidi Klum could.

And rounding out the list, Alyssa Milano. I actually like it. I think it's feminine and pretyt. Her hair is long and flowy to match the dress, her girls are covered nicely, fits the waist and then goes out which I think is pretty (I think people call this a-line...maybe not). I think she looks kinda like a fairy. And, given some of the stuff she wore on Charmed, I think it's really pretty and flattering. The shoes are kickin' and the color really looks nice on her skin. Not to mention, I loved Samantha Micelli and Phoebe so I say you continue to be awesome.

BUT.

At the end of the day, these celebrities donated their time and support to help seriously ill children learn art and have fun. I think that's what really matters. I commend them all for taking chances in their lives that led them to fame and success. And, I am amazed at their efforts to help those around them and being able to look great (clothes or no clothes) while doing it. Thanks to all of you for what you do. Supporting kids, probably helping in Haiti and always entertaining us somehow or the other.

Ok, my leopard pants are calling. Let's hope I don't answer and that the answering machine is malfunctioning.